A quiet presence

Immediately after skyping with Amanda and Theodore, the next task was to share my news with Hannah, Joshua and Angela.   Since we were already out, Christopher and I asked the kids to meet us for dinner.   Because of the difference in their ages, we kept the initial conversation rather basic, only sharing that I had found a lump in my breast .  As expected, they each had a different reaction.

Hannah was sitting across from me at dinner and beside Christopher.  As I talked and looked around the table at my family, I saw Christopher having a side conversation with Hannah.  I heard him ask her, "You know what she is saying right?"  Crying, Hannah nodded her head.  Again my heart broke...it was easier being brave for Amanda because she was only on my phone screen as I talked with her but when Hannah cried, I just wanted to cry with her.

When we finished dinner, Hannah drove me back to my car and we sat and talked.  I was honest and answered the questions she had.  As I got out of the car I told her I loved her and would see her at home.  However, Hannah shared she wanted to go for a drive.  She came home several hours later...I never asked where she had gone.  I knew Hannah just needed to reflect and begin to accept the news we had shared.  I was worried about her though.  You see Hannah was preparing to leave for college in a month and I single handedly was turning her world upside down.

If there is one thing I knew about Hannah it is this...she is strong-willed and is able to work through her problems.  However, the manner in which she does so is quite different from her big sister.  She tends to keep to herself and finds comfort in nature. Hannah is a nurturer, a giver and  a quiet presence when you need it most.

I awoke the next morning  after telling Hannah to find a vase of flowers on the kitchen table with a note that said, " I love you" tied to them.  It wasn't signed but I knew exactly who they were from...my sweet Hannah. It was comforting to know she was ready for this journey.

Over the next 9 months, Hannah was there to offer assistance in any way possible.  She sorted and delivered all the Evil Lumps and Woozles tshirts, proudly wore her pink tutu and the night before the Race for the Cure made me my very own pink tutu.  She bought me little gifts she knew I would enjoy, helped me with holiday tasks and errands and just made life normal for our family.


Even though Hannah was away at school during my surgeries and treatments she was quick to send support by text.  She wore pink on milestone days in my treatment and was with me the day I learned I was cancer free.  Hannah came home as much as she could and even surprised me with a special visit earlier in the year just because.  Her quirkiness and amazing sense of humor always made me laugh.  Yes, laughter really is the best medicine!






Hannah, you are special and have the biggest heart!  Your jokes, smile and dedication offered comfort and relief when I needed it most.  I am so very proud to be your mom.  I love you!

Too far from where you are

After taking a day to let the news of my cancer diagnosis settle, it was time to share the news with my children.  Boy oh boy...that was not easy.  Over the next few posts I will share some information about the role each of my children have played in my health and healing.  Today I start with Amanda.

For those of you who may not know, Amanda and her husband, Theodore, relocated to Italy in May of 2014 and in July of 2014 were preparing for an amazing adventure to Paris.  Coordinating face to face Skype calls can be difficult since they are 7 hours ahead of us.  But this was a call we needed to happen, regardless of the time so Christopher contacted Theodore and let him know we needed to Skype with them both and they waited for our call into the early hours of the morning. 

Amanda assumed we were calling to wish them well on their upcoming trip and even thought we might be telling them we were having a baby (I will pause here for laughter).  Needless to say, that was not the case.  Instead I had to put on a brave face and tell my beautiful daughter that I had breast cancer.  Hard?  ABSOLUTELY!  It tore me up.  All I wanted in that moment was to hug her and let her know it was going to be ok...even though I did not know what the future held.  A couple days after telling Amanda, I heard the some "I Wanna Go Home" by Micheal Buble and the lyrics couldn't have been more appropriate.  Phrases like.."I miss you.  I want to go home. I'm just too far from where you are." ...brought me to tears. 

Over the next few months my relationship with Amanda grew to new levels.  As she and Theo traveled, they would stop at churches, light candles and pray for me.  She would send me pictures of these locations and would even stop at shrines as she randomly stumbled across to pray some more.  I felt this amazing spiritual connection...she, like Christopher, was helping to keep my eyes focused on God.  I always drew strength from these experiences. 

Above that, Amanda was my cheerleader or more like my virtual supporter!  She surrounded me with love and encouragement and made sure I knew I was not alone.  She created my team, Evil Lumps and Woozles, for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure and rocked her pink tutu in Italy on race day.  She left me "Pep for Your Step" video messages on You Tube prior to chemo and would text me or Skype me regularly.  She kept me connected to all the support I was receiving on facebook by sending me screenshots of the pictures and messages on our site.  Even though she was so terribly far away, she made sure I always felt her presence. 

In Amanda's "Pep for Your Step" messages she always closed by telling me she admired the manner in which I carried myself through all of this.  In her messages, she usually shared a scripture, prayer and then gave a word that described me.  Amanda used words like:  BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, and SELFLESS.  It was humbling to hear her use such powerful words to describe me.  Funny because I didn't feel like I was doing anything special.  All I know is that during my illness,  I never wanted my children to worry about me, but I did want to show them to deal with adversity.  And most importantly, I wanted them to know how much they were loved.  I wanted my legacy to live in them.

Amanda, you have been a blessing to me and humbled me with your adoration and support.  Thank you for sharing your faithfulness and for your dedication to keeping my spirits high.   I love you.

Our virtual Christmas

 

Not ready to let go

There are a handful of posts I have wanted to write for quite some time but I just haven't had the strength to do so.  This is one of those.  Here we go...

I have frequently shared that I know God in is control of my life and I marvel at just how he lays out our path and firmly believe there are no coincidences.  It's just all part of His plan. My relationship with my husband, Christopher, is another shining example of that.  We met over 25 years ago through some mutual friends at a church youth group meeting even though we lived in two different parts of Kentucky.  Less then one year later we reconnected when we met at the small Catholic College we both were attending.   We married in 1995 and this year celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples we have had our ups and downs over the years but we somehow always managed to keep our family as a priority and made certain we worshiped together weekly.  Our faith has always be a focus.

Needless to say, everything was tested this past year.  When you profess your marriage vows, do you really think that one of you will be faced with a life threatening illness "early" in your relationship?  I know I didn't and it hurt me so much to look into Christopher's eyes those first few weeks.  I wanted so desperately to be with him but at the same time wanted to push him away because I didn't want to hurt him.

Funny how love works...every time I wanted to run, he was there .  Christopher was a pillar of
strength and unwavering faith from the day of my first biopsy.  He came to almost all of my appointments and helped to keep me grounded in the midst of the storm.  He made me laugh. He let me cry. He held our life together and always stayed positive.

Looking back, there is one moment in particular that made an impression on me and reaffirmed his commitment to me.  In the first few weeks of my diagnosis, I would go to be bed and often cry myself to sleep.  One night, Christopher came in to tuck me in (you see I go to bed much earlier than he does) and I asked him to sit with me.  That's not uncommon but on this night he squatted down beside the bed and stroked my cheek...when I opened my eyes, I heard him say, "I am not ready to let go of you yet."

While I had no idea what the future would bring, I knew more than ever that I needed to fight...I needed to live because I wasn't ready to let go either.

From that moment one, I knew without any doubt that he was fully committed to me. Christopher made certain I remained strong in my faith on this journey and stood by me each and every day.  He joined me for chemo which often meant he had to stand through my entire treatment because at the time the office didn't have extra chairs in the treatment room.   He always made sure I took my medicine and would get up around the clock if needed.  He escorted me to my last round of radiation and planned my cancer free celebration.  Honestly, the list could go on and on!

Christopher always made me feel loved and reminded me that God was bigger than this storm.  In the times I doubted, his faith was strong enough to carry us both.  So to this special man, I simply say. "I love you."

I just wanted to LIVE

Today...July 15..the day of my diagnosis.  So much went through my mind on this day and the days following but it really all came down to this:

 

I wasn't ready to die!  I wanted to live!

Today my devotional from Jesus Calling was perfect and a reflection of the manner is which I tried to live over the past year.  It said:

"Do not worry about tomorrow!  This is not a suggestion but a command.  I divided time into days and nights so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle.  My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time.  When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame.  You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.

As you affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly.  Enjoy my Presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Please join me as I celebrate life today!!!  Don't take things for granted.  Renew your faith. Find the joy around you...it's there, even in the hard times. 

Braver. Smarter. Stronger.

From bad news to good news

In 2002 when my family needed a new primary care physician, I went to the Provider Directory and simply looked for a doctor who was close by and accepting new patients.  I found a name wrote it down on my enrollment paperwork and turned it in.  I really knew nothing about this doctor or his practice. However, it didn't take long for me to realize I had made a good decision.  Through  routine checkups and sick kids visits, Dr. M and I started to build our relationship both professionally and personally.  We discovered we had children of similar ages and even attended the same church.   I trusted Dr. M to oversee the care of my family and he never disappointed.

Now fast forward to the early part of July 2014 when I found a lump in my breast.  I knew something wasn't right and needed to see a doctor.  Two days later I was in Dr. M's office and the journey began.  Starting that moment, Dr. M was the one who navigated the early part of my diagnosis.

He made the referral for my diagnostic mammogram.
He told me the radiologist was concerned after my mammogram.
He scheduled my biopsy and on July 15, 2014 called me and my husband into his office to tell me that I had cancer.

Just thinking about that moment, takes my breathe away...it was so surreal.   I really don't remember much about my time in his office that day.   I do recall hearing the word CANCER but also remember the amount of concern Dr. M showed to Christopher and me.   He had done some research prior to meeting with us, talked to a few colleagues and even referred me to an amazing oncologist. 

Throughout my cancer journey, Dr. M has been a constant presence.  I saw his name copied on test results and often heard my specialists mention his name during visits.  Even though he was not my primary doctor over the past year, I knew he was still heavily involved in my care and always had my back.

As you know, I had my final scans on June 11 and was seeing my oncologist on the 12th for the results...I was somewhat at peace but was getting extremely anxious for the news.    Early in our professional relationship, Dr. M learned one thing about me...if a diagnostic test has been performed and the results are available, I want to know what they are ASAP!  Much to my surprise early on the morning of June 12, I received a text from Dr. M.  It simply stated, "It's going to be a good day for you my friend."  His message revealed what I longed to hear...the scans look good...no more cancer! 

It couldn't have been more perfect, the individual who had to give me the bad news, also was able to give me the good news.

Time and time again over the past twelve months, I have seen that God is continuously at work in my life.  This relationship is no exception.  God puts people in your life to support you on the journey He has planned for you...we just have to trust and see His work unfold. 

Thanks, Dr. M!

 

Christina

 

Braver. Smarter. Stronger.

My Anniversary



Wow!  Believe it or not, I am approaching the 1 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.  I thought now would be a good time to catch up on my blog, as there is so much I want to still share. Stay tuned for reflections of my journey to becoming caner free.

 

Thanks for being part of my story!

 

Christina