Raising Awareness

You probably already have guessed but today's post is about Angela.  Here we go...

As I had with Joshua, I spoke with Angela privately on the porch but I don't think she really knew what I was telling her.  She was familiar with the word cancer but her immediate concern was on how this would impact her...particularly who would do the things for her that I usually did.

I worried the most about Angela because she was the youngest.  I was quick to share my news with her teachers and coaches knowing they would spend a lot of time with her and could alert me if they had any concerns.   However, I must admit, Angela's approach to dealing with my illness was quite different from everyone else's and really surprised me.  Angela openly talked about my illness and quickly began to raise awareness for my fight against breast cancer. She decorated the locker area in her gym with pink ribbon signs and phrases such as "Fight Like a Girl".  She had a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts that she wore regularly and even wore a pink ribbon in her hair at gymnastics meets. She talked with her friends about my fight and expanded my support team.  I never expected this from her!

Angela not only raised awareness but also was there to encourage me.  She left me lots of love notes, would lay with me at night and always come tell me about her day after school.   Like Joshua, she kept a close eye on my eyebrows and eye lashes as they started to fall out and she took the time each day to count how many lashes were remaining.

Funny because the child I worried about the most blew me away with her maturity and ability to cope.  Knowing that Angela had the potential to live more of her life without than with me if I didn't pull through made me focus so much more on getting well.  I wanted to be around to be her mom for a lot longer!  She still had so much growing and living to do and I didn't want to miss any of it.

Angela, you rallied support for me in all areas of your life...home, school and the gym.  I am so very grateful for that!  More importantly, you always loved me and challenged me to fight for my health and well-being.  You really amazed me with your strength and compassion.   I love you.

Tell me what it is

After our emotional family dinner and my conversation with Hannah, I returned home slightly drained but aware I still had two more individual conversations to have with my "little ones."   I took them out on the porch one at a time and asked if they had any questions. Joshua had played it rather cool at dinner.  He was quiet as I talked and didn't say much but when we went outside, he became very emotional.  He sat in the chair and said, "You said it's a lump but what is it?  Tell me what it is!"

 I hesitated before I answered this question because I didn't want to tell Joshua that I had cancer...I wanted to protect him from the hurt and fear.  My family has just dealt with the passing of my father-in-law from pancreatic cancer at the end of 2013.  Joshua and Angela watched John go through this illness and in their mind, cancer meant you would die.  So before I answered, I asked, "Do you really want the truth?"  Joshua said, "Yes, Tell me."  So I told him...I HAVE CANCER but followed up that statement by sharing that me cancer was not the same as Grandpa's.  I told him I would be ok and boy did I hope I was right.

Accepting the unknown was hard for Joshua.  In the days following my news I often found him right by my side.  The changes in my physical appearance made him uncomfortable but in time he always came around. He was far from a fan of my wig and a bit taken back when I started to loose my eyebrows and lashes.   However, he and I laughed at how very much we looked like after I got my hair buzzed.   While Joshua didn't always know what to say, there were many indicators that he there from me.  I mean what thirteen year old boy regularly wears a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts?

What really amazed me about Joshua is the manner in which he took on the role as my caretaker, especially if Christopher wasn't home.  He would peek in on me after chemo treatments, tuck me in and kiss me good night.  He made me jello cups to eat on chemo days and would often cover me with his favorite blanket.  Joshua frequently made me breakfast and quesadillas for lunch.  This care and attention made me feel so loved!




Joshua, I learned quickly I could count on you. You took great care of me.  You are caring and loyal and a blessing to me.  I am grateful for all of your love, especially the hugs and kisses.  I love you.