Tell me what it is

After our emotional family dinner and my conversation with Hannah, I returned home slightly drained but aware I still had two more individual conversations to have with my "little ones."   I took them out on the porch one at a time and asked if they had any questions. Joshua had played it rather cool at dinner.  He was quiet as I talked and didn't say much but when we went outside, he became very emotional.  He sat in the chair and said, "You said it's a lump but what is it?  Tell me what it is!"

 I hesitated before I answered this question because I didn't want to tell Joshua that I had cancer...I wanted to protect him from the hurt and fear.  My family has just dealt with the passing of my father-in-law from pancreatic cancer at the end of 2013.  Joshua and Angela watched John go through this illness and in their mind, cancer meant you would die.  So before I answered, I asked, "Do you really want the truth?"  Joshua said, "Yes, Tell me."  So I told him...I HAVE CANCER but followed up that statement by sharing that me cancer was not the same as Grandpa's.  I told him I would be ok and boy did I hope I was right.

Accepting the unknown was hard for Joshua.  In the days following my news I often found him right by my side.  The changes in my physical appearance made him uncomfortable but in time he always came around. He was far from a fan of my wig and a bit taken back when I started to loose my eyebrows and lashes.   However, he and I laughed at how very much we looked like after I got my hair buzzed.   While Joshua didn't always know what to say, there were many indicators that he there from me.  I mean what thirteen year old boy regularly wears a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts?

What really amazed me about Joshua is the manner in which he took on the role as my caretaker, especially if Christopher wasn't home.  He would peek in on me after chemo treatments, tuck me in and kiss me good night.  He made me jello cups to eat on chemo days and would often cover me with his favorite blanket.  Joshua frequently made me breakfast and quesadillas for lunch.  This care and attention made me feel so loved!




Joshua, I learned quickly I could count on you. You took great care of me.  You are caring and loyal and a blessing to me.  I am grateful for all of your love, especially the hugs and kisses.  I love you.