Making the most out of a not so ideal situation

Remember when Pooh visited Rabbit’s house and ate too much honey causing him to get stuck in the hole as he tried to leave?  That image of Pooh is an iconic one…it’s the one where his friends come to his rescue and keep him company until he gets thin again.  But there’s another side to this story…it’s not just about Pooh trying to get out.  It’s also about a frazzled Rabbit left with Pooh’s legs dangling in his living room.  While he was unhappy about what had occurred, he managed to make the most out of what was happening.

With humor and the right attitude, Rabbit managed to find the positive in a negative situation. 

As you know, on Monday of last week, I had a bone biopsy to determine if the lesion discovered on my pelvic bone during the PET scan was cancerous.  Friday my oncologist confirmed that it was cancer.  My cancer has spread to my bone.  It was hard to hear but honestly was something I had been preparing myself for and was better than hearing the biopsy was inconclusive, giving me a false sense of hope.

This upcoming week I visit the radiation oncologist and will prepare to begin radiation to my pelvic bone.  My medical team believes this will sterilize the cancerous area.  This procedure combined with my new hormone blocking medication will hopefully contain additional recurrence of cancer for a long time to come.

So today here we are…working on acceptance and putting everything in perspective.   Just a few weeks ago I believed I was cancer free, working toward that 5 year mark of true survivorship.  Instead I am now faced with the harsh reality that I have stage IV cancer.   I NEVER thought this would happen and now like Rabbit must maintain a positive attitude and find this positive.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. 

I cry. 

I worry. 

I question.

I fight.

I hope.

I dream.

I laugh.

I pray.

However, I don’t plan to be stuck in this rabbit hole for long, I plan to LIVE and plan to continue enjoying the amazing life I have.  It won’t always be easy but will always be my goal. 

It was Pooh's friends in the Hundred Acre Wood who offered him companionship and encouragement as he waited to get thin enough to fit through the hole.   I, too, will need that same friendship and encouragement to get out of the tough spot I'm in.   I particularly ask that you continue to pray for me and help me accept the reality that I may never be cancer free.  

Thanks for being there for me.   I am forever grateful.  --Christina

Braver. Stronger. Smarter..I hope

Since I finished my chemo and radiation treatments in 2015,  I have lived under the motto that "No news is good news".  Therefore, the blog has been pretty dormant.  My health has been good and I have been living life as a survivor... BRAVER...STRONGER...SMARTER. 

Things got stirred up a bit recently when the doctors recommended a preventative hysterectomy.  That procedure went well and I feel amazing considering I just had a major surgery a few weeks ago.  However, the days leading to that procedure were a whirlwind with visits to a few different doctors and several scans...PET, ultrasound and then a follow up MRI.  Today I headed to see my oncologist to review the results of those scans and unfortunately we did not get the news we had hoped for...

The PET scan revealed a spot in my pelvic bone which MAY or MAY NOT be cancerous.  Take a minute to breath...I know I needed to.  It was a surreal moment.  Was I really being told that I might have cancer again?  This can't be happening!  Emotions take over and it's hard to focus when you hear "bad" news but once the initial shock wears off, you are faced with the decision as to how you will handle it.  I needed a nudge from my husband and oncologist but the decision to FIGHT was the obvious choice.  So what next?

On Monday there will be a bone biopsy to help identify if the bone lesion I have is cancerous, which based on the activity they have seen they suspect is the case.   This will be followed by a visit to my Radiation Oncologist and potentially 3 weeks of radiation therapy focused specifically on this one area.  The hope is the radiation will "kill" whatever activity is in that lesion and keep this area isolated.

There are quite a few what-ifs but those are what I'm focused on.  My doctor is optimistic so how can I not be?    He said this is not the news we wanted but is ready to treat this aggressively.  I learned early in my cancer diagnosis that I have to have complete faith in my medical team and I know without a doubt that Dr. Hemphill is in this fight with me. 

So here we are ready to move forward but I know I can't do it alone.  I ask that you pray for me.  Pray for health and healing as well as peace, grace and courage to face the challenges ahead.  Please also pray for my family.  Having to tell them bad news again is not something I ever wanted to do.


In 2014 we tackled the Evil Lump and now in 2016 we take on the Woozles.  Let's do this!

Leaving you with the quote that has become the motto I live by...

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”

Raising Awareness

You probably already have guessed but today's post is about Angela.  Here we go...

As I had with Joshua, I spoke with Angela privately on the porch but I don't think she really knew what I was telling her.  She was familiar with the word cancer but her immediate concern was on how this would impact her...particularly who would do the things for her that I usually did.

I worried the most about Angela because she was the youngest.  I was quick to share my news with her teachers and coaches knowing they would spend a lot of time with her and could alert me if they had any concerns.   However, I must admit, Angela's approach to dealing with my illness was quite different from everyone else's and really surprised me.  Angela openly talked about my illness and quickly began to raise awareness for my fight against breast cancer. She decorated the locker area in her gym with pink ribbon signs and phrases such as "Fight Like a Girl".  She had a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts that she wore regularly and even wore a pink ribbon in her hair at gymnastics meets. She talked with her friends about my fight and expanded my support team.  I never expected this from her!

Angela not only raised awareness but also was there to encourage me.  She left me lots of love notes, would lay with me at night and always come tell me about her day after school.   Like Joshua, she kept a close eye on my eyebrows and eye lashes as they started to fall out and she took the time each day to count how many lashes were remaining.

Funny because the child I worried about the most blew me away with her maturity and ability to cope.  Knowing that Angela had the potential to live more of her life without than with me if I didn't pull through made me focus so much more on getting well.  I wanted to be around to be her mom for a lot longer!  She still had so much growing and living to do and I didn't want to miss any of it.

Angela, you rallied support for me in all areas of your life...home, school and the gym.  I am so very grateful for that!  More importantly, you always loved me and challenged me to fight for my health and well-being.  You really amazed me with your strength and compassion.   I love you.

Tell me what it is

After our emotional family dinner and my conversation with Hannah, I returned home slightly drained but aware I still had two more individual conversations to have with my "little ones."   I took them out on the porch one at a time and asked if they had any questions. Joshua had played it rather cool at dinner.  He was quiet as I talked and didn't say much but when we went outside, he became very emotional.  He sat in the chair and said, "You said it's a lump but what is it?  Tell me what it is!"

 I hesitated before I answered this question because I didn't want to tell Joshua that I had cancer...I wanted to protect him from the hurt and fear.  My family has just dealt with the passing of my father-in-law from pancreatic cancer at the end of 2013.  Joshua and Angela watched John go through this illness and in their mind, cancer meant you would die.  So before I answered, I asked, "Do you really want the truth?"  Joshua said, "Yes, Tell me."  So I told him...I HAVE CANCER but followed up that statement by sharing that me cancer was not the same as Grandpa's.  I told him I would be ok and boy did I hope I was right.

Accepting the unknown was hard for Joshua.  In the days following my news I often found him right by my side.  The changes in my physical appearance made him uncomfortable but in time he always came around. He was far from a fan of my wig and a bit taken back when I started to loose my eyebrows and lashes.   However, he and I laughed at how very much we looked like after I got my hair buzzed.   While Joshua didn't always know what to say, there were many indicators that he there from me.  I mean what thirteen year old boy regularly wears a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts?

What really amazed me about Joshua is the manner in which he took on the role as my caretaker, especially if Christopher wasn't home.  He would peek in on me after chemo treatments, tuck me in and kiss me good night.  He made me jello cups to eat on chemo days and would often cover me with his favorite blanket.  Joshua frequently made me breakfast and quesadillas for lunch.  This care and attention made me feel so loved!




Joshua, I learned quickly I could count on you. You took great care of me.  You are caring and loyal and a blessing to me.  I am grateful for all of your love, especially the hugs and kisses.  I love you.

A quiet presence

Immediately after skyping with Amanda and Theodore, the next task was to share my news with Hannah, Joshua and Angela.   Since we were already out, Christopher and I asked the kids to meet us for dinner.   Because of the difference in their ages, we kept the initial conversation rather basic, only sharing that I had found a lump in my breast .  As expected, they each had a different reaction.

Hannah was sitting across from me at dinner and beside Christopher.  As I talked and looked around the table at my family, I saw Christopher having a side conversation with Hannah.  I heard him ask her, "You know what she is saying right?"  Crying, Hannah nodded her head.  Again my heart broke...it was easier being brave for Amanda because she was only on my phone screen as I talked with her but when Hannah cried, I just wanted to cry with her.

When we finished dinner, Hannah drove me back to my car and we sat and talked.  I was honest and answered the questions she had.  As I got out of the car I told her I loved her and would see her at home.  However, Hannah shared she wanted to go for a drive.  She came home several hours later...I never asked where she had gone.  I knew Hannah just needed to reflect and begin to accept the news we had shared.  I was worried about her though.  You see Hannah was preparing to leave for college in a month and I single handedly was turning her world upside down.

If there is one thing I knew about Hannah it is this...she is strong-willed and is able to work through her problems.  However, the manner in which she does so is quite different from her big sister.  She tends to keep to herself and finds comfort in nature. Hannah is a nurturer, a giver and  a quiet presence when you need it most.

I awoke the next morning  after telling Hannah to find a vase of flowers on the kitchen table with a note that said, " I love you" tied to them.  It wasn't signed but I knew exactly who they were from...my sweet Hannah. It was comforting to know she was ready for this journey.

Over the next 9 months, Hannah was there to offer assistance in any way possible.  She sorted and delivered all the Evil Lumps and Woozles tshirts, proudly wore her pink tutu and the night before the Race for the Cure made me my very own pink tutu.  She bought me little gifts she knew I would enjoy, helped me with holiday tasks and errands and just made life normal for our family.


Even though Hannah was away at school during my surgeries and treatments she was quick to send support by text.  She wore pink on milestone days in my treatment and was with me the day I learned I was cancer free.  Hannah came home as much as she could and even surprised me with a special visit earlier in the year just because.  Her quirkiness and amazing sense of humor always made me laugh.  Yes, laughter really is the best medicine!






Hannah, you are special and have the biggest heart!  Your jokes, smile and dedication offered comfort and relief when I needed it most.  I am so very proud to be your mom.  I love you!

Too far from where you are

After taking a day to let the news of my cancer diagnosis settle, it was time to share the news with my children.  Boy oh boy...that was not easy.  Over the next few posts I will share some information about the role each of my children have played in my health and healing.  Today I start with Amanda.

For those of you who may not know, Amanda and her husband, Theodore, relocated to Italy in May of 2014 and in July of 2014 were preparing for an amazing adventure to Paris.  Coordinating face to face Skype calls can be difficult since they are 7 hours ahead of us.  But this was a call we needed to happen, regardless of the time so Christopher contacted Theodore and let him know we needed to Skype with them both and they waited for our call into the early hours of the morning. 

Amanda assumed we were calling to wish them well on their upcoming trip and even thought we might be telling them we were having a baby (I will pause here for laughter).  Needless to say, that was not the case.  Instead I had to put on a brave face and tell my beautiful daughter that I had breast cancer.  Hard?  ABSOLUTELY!  It tore me up.  All I wanted in that moment was to hug her and let her know it was going to be ok...even though I did not know what the future held.  A couple days after telling Amanda, I heard the some "I Wanna Go Home" by Micheal Buble and the lyrics couldn't have been more appropriate.  Phrases like.."I miss you.  I want to go home. I'm just too far from where you are." ...brought me to tears. 

Over the next few months my relationship with Amanda grew to new levels.  As she and Theo traveled, they would stop at churches, light candles and pray for me.  She would send me pictures of these locations and would even stop at shrines as she randomly stumbled across to pray some more.  I felt this amazing spiritual connection...she, like Christopher, was helping to keep my eyes focused on God.  I always drew strength from these experiences. 

Above that, Amanda was my cheerleader or more like my virtual supporter!  She surrounded me with love and encouragement and made sure I knew I was not alone.  She created my team, Evil Lumps and Woozles, for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure and rocked her pink tutu in Italy on race day.  She left me "Pep for Your Step" video messages on You Tube prior to chemo and would text me or Skype me regularly.  She kept me connected to all the support I was receiving on facebook by sending me screenshots of the pictures and messages on our site.  Even though she was so terribly far away, she made sure I always felt her presence. 

In Amanda's "Pep for Your Step" messages she always closed by telling me she admired the manner in which I carried myself through all of this.  In her messages, she usually shared a scripture, prayer and then gave a word that described me.  Amanda used words like:  BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, and SELFLESS.  It was humbling to hear her use such powerful words to describe me.  Funny because I didn't feel like I was doing anything special.  All I know is that during my illness,  I never wanted my children to worry about me, but I did want to show them to deal with adversity.  And most importantly, I wanted them to know how much they were loved.  I wanted my legacy to live in them.

Amanda, you have been a blessing to me and humbled me with your adoration and support.  Thank you for sharing your faithfulness and for your dedication to keeping my spirits high.   I love you.

Our virtual Christmas

 

Not ready to let go

There are a handful of posts I have wanted to write for quite some time but I just haven't had the strength to do so.  This is one of those.  Here we go...

I have frequently shared that I know God in is control of my life and I marvel at just how he lays out our path and firmly believe there are no coincidences.  It's just all part of His plan. My relationship with my husband, Christopher, is another shining example of that.  We met over 25 years ago through some mutual friends at a church youth group meeting even though we lived in two different parts of Kentucky.  Less then one year later we reconnected when we met at the small Catholic College we both were attending.   We married in 1995 and this year celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples we have had our ups and downs over the years but we somehow always managed to keep our family as a priority and made certain we worshiped together weekly.  Our faith has always be a focus.

Needless to say, everything was tested this past year.  When you profess your marriage vows, do you really think that one of you will be faced with a life threatening illness "early" in your relationship?  I know I didn't and it hurt me so much to look into Christopher's eyes those first few weeks.  I wanted so desperately to be with him but at the same time wanted to push him away because I didn't want to hurt him.

Funny how love works...every time I wanted to run, he was there .  Christopher was a pillar of
strength and unwavering faith from the day of my first biopsy.  He came to almost all of my appointments and helped to keep me grounded in the midst of the storm.  He made me laugh. He let me cry. He held our life together and always stayed positive.

Looking back, there is one moment in particular that made an impression on me and reaffirmed his commitment to me.  In the first few weeks of my diagnosis, I would go to be bed and often cry myself to sleep.  One night, Christopher came in to tuck me in (you see I go to bed much earlier than he does) and I asked him to sit with me.  That's not uncommon but on this night he squatted down beside the bed and stroked my cheek...when I opened my eyes, I heard him say, "I am not ready to let go of you yet."

While I had no idea what the future would bring, I knew more than ever that I needed to fight...I needed to live because I wasn't ready to let go either.

From that moment one, I knew without any doubt that he was fully committed to me. Christopher made certain I remained strong in my faith on this journey and stood by me each and every day.  He joined me for chemo which often meant he had to stand through my entire treatment because at the time the office didn't have extra chairs in the treatment room.   He always made sure I took my medicine and would get up around the clock if needed.  He escorted me to my last round of radiation and planned my cancer free celebration.  Honestly, the list could go on and on!

Christopher always made me feel loved and reminded me that God was bigger than this storm.  In the times I doubted, his faith was strong enough to carry us both.  So to this special man, I simply say. "I love you."