Sunday, July 19, 2015

Not ready to let go

There are a handful of posts I have wanted to write for quite some time but I just haven't had the strength to do so.  This is one of those.  Here we go...

I have frequently shared that I know God in is control of my life and I marvel at just how he lays out our path and firmly believe there are no coincidences.  It's just all part of His plan. My relationship with my husband, Christopher, is another shining example of that.  We met over 25 years ago through some mutual friends at a church youth group meeting even though we lived in two different parts of Kentucky.  Less then one year later we reconnected when we met at the small Catholic College we both were attending.   We married in 1995 and this year celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples we have had our ups and downs over the years but we somehow always managed to keep our family as a priority and made certain we worshiped together weekly.  Our faith has always be a focus.

Needless to say, everything was tested this past year.  When you profess your marriage vows, do you really think that one of you will be faced with a life threatening illness "early" in your relationship?  I know I didn't and it hurt me so much to look into Christopher's eyes those first few weeks.  I wanted so desperately to be with him but at the same time wanted to push him away because I didn't want to hurt him.

Funny how love works...every time I wanted to run, he was there .  Christopher was a pillar of
strength and unwavering faith from the day of my first biopsy.  He came to almost all of my appointments and helped to keep me grounded in the midst of the storm.  He made me laugh. He let me cry. He held our life together and always stayed positive.

Looking back, there is one moment in particular that made an impression on me and reaffirmed his commitment to me.  In the first few weeks of my diagnosis, I would go to be bed and often cry myself to sleep.  One night, Christopher came in to tuck me in (you see I go to bed much earlier than he does) and I asked him to sit with me.  That's not uncommon but on this night he squatted down beside the bed and stroked my cheek...when I opened my eyes, I heard him say, "I am not ready to let go of you yet."

While I had no idea what the future would bring, I knew more than ever that I needed to fight...I needed to live because I wasn't ready to let go either.

From that moment one, I knew without any doubt that he was fully committed to me. Christopher made certain I remained strong in my faith on this journey and stood by me each and every day.  He joined me for chemo which often meant he had to stand through my entire treatment because at the time the office didn't have extra chairs in the treatment room.   He always made sure I took my medicine and would get up around the clock if needed.  He escorted me to my last round of radiation and planned my cancer free celebration.  Honestly, the list could go on and on!

Christopher always made me feel loved and reminded me that God was bigger than this storm.  In the times I doubted, his faith was strong enough to carry us both.  So to this special man, I simply say. "I love you."









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