Raising Awareness

You probably already have guessed but today's post is about Angela.  Here we go...

As I had with Joshua, I spoke with Angela privately on the porch but I don't think she really knew what I was telling her.  She was familiar with the word cancer but her immediate concern was on how this would impact her...particularly who would do the things for her that I usually did.

I worried the most about Angela because she was the youngest.  I was quick to share my news with her teachers and coaches knowing they would spend a lot of time with her and could alert me if they had any concerns.   However, I must admit, Angela's approach to dealing with my illness was quite different from everyone else's and really surprised me.  Angela openly talked about my illness and quickly began to raise awareness for my fight against breast cancer. She decorated the locker area in her gym with pink ribbon signs and phrases such as "Fight Like a Girl".  She had a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts that she wore regularly and even wore a pink ribbon in her hair at gymnastics meets. She talked with her friends about my fight and expanded my support team.  I never expected this from her!

Angela not only raised awareness but also was there to encourage me.  She left me lots of love notes, would lay with me at night and always come tell me about her day after school.   Like Joshua, she kept a close eye on my eyebrows and eye lashes as they started to fall out and she took the time each day to count how many lashes were remaining.

Funny because the child I worried about the most blew me away with her maturity and ability to cope.  Knowing that Angela had the potential to live more of her life without than with me if I didn't pull through made me focus so much more on getting well.  I wanted to be around to be her mom for a lot longer!  She still had so much growing and living to do and I didn't want to miss any of it.

Angela, you rallied support for me in all areas of your life...home, school and the gym.  I am so very grateful for that!  More importantly, you always loved me and challenged me to fight for my health and well-being.  You really amazed me with your strength and compassion.   I love you.

Tell me what it is

After our emotional family dinner and my conversation with Hannah, I returned home slightly drained but aware I still had two more individual conversations to have with my "little ones."   I took them out on the porch one at a time and asked if they had any questions. Joshua had played it rather cool at dinner.  He was quiet as I talked and didn't say much but when we went outside, he became very emotional.  He sat in the chair and said, "You said it's a lump but what is it?  Tell me what it is!"

 I hesitated before I answered this question because I didn't want to tell Joshua that I had cancer...I wanted to protect him from the hurt and fear.  My family has just dealt with the passing of my father-in-law from pancreatic cancer at the end of 2013.  Joshua and Angela watched John go through this illness and in their mind, cancer meant you would die.  So before I answered, I asked, "Do you really want the truth?"  Joshua said, "Yes, Tell me."  So I told him...I HAVE CANCER but followed up that statement by sharing that me cancer was not the same as Grandpa's.  I told him I would be ok and boy did I hope I was right.

Accepting the unknown was hard for Joshua.  In the days following my news I often found him right by my side.  The changes in my physical appearance made him uncomfortable but in time he always came around. He was far from a fan of my wig and a bit taken back when I started to loose my eyebrows and lashes.   However, he and I laughed at how very much we looked like after I got my hair buzzed.   While Joshua didn't always know what to say, there were many indicators that he there from me.  I mean what thirteen year old boy regularly wears a variety of breast cancer awareness shirts?

What really amazed me about Joshua is the manner in which he took on the role as my caretaker, especially if Christopher wasn't home.  He would peek in on me after chemo treatments, tuck me in and kiss me good night.  He made me jello cups to eat on chemo days and would often cover me with his favorite blanket.  Joshua frequently made me breakfast and quesadillas for lunch.  This care and attention made me feel so loved!




Joshua, I learned quickly I could count on you. You took great care of me.  You are caring and loyal and a blessing to me.  I am grateful for all of your love, especially the hugs and kisses.  I love you.

A quiet presence

Immediately after skyping with Amanda and Theodore, the next task was to share my news with Hannah, Joshua and Angela.   Since we were already out, Christopher and I asked the kids to meet us for dinner.   Because of the difference in their ages, we kept the initial conversation rather basic, only sharing that I had found a lump in my breast .  As expected, they each had a different reaction.

Hannah was sitting across from me at dinner and beside Christopher.  As I talked and looked around the table at my family, I saw Christopher having a side conversation with Hannah.  I heard him ask her, "You know what she is saying right?"  Crying, Hannah nodded her head.  Again my heart broke...it was easier being brave for Amanda because she was only on my phone screen as I talked with her but when Hannah cried, I just wanted to cry with her.

When we finished dinner, Hannah drove me back to my car and we sat and talked.  I was honest and answered the questions she had.  As I got out of the car I told her I loved her and would see her at home.  However, Hannah shared she wanted to go for a drive.  She came home several hours later...I never asked where she had gone.  I knew Hannah just needed to reflect and begin to accept the news we had shared.  I was worried about her though.  You see Hannah was preparing to leave for college in a month and I single handedly was turning her world upside down.

If there is one thing I knew about Hannah it is this...she is strong-willed and is able to work through her problems.  However, the manner in which she does so is quite different from her big sister.  She tends to keep to herself and finds comfort in nature. Hannah is a nurturer, a giver and  a quiet presence when you need it most.

I awoke the next morning  after telling Hannah to find a vase of flowers on the kitchen table with a note that said, " I love you" tied to them.  It wasn't signed but I knew exactly who they were from...my sweet Hannah. It was comforting to know she was ready for this journey.

Over the next 9 months, Hannah was there to offer assistance in any way possible.  She sorted and delivered all the Evil Lumps and Woozles tshirts, proudly wore her pink tutu and the night before the Race for the Cure made me my very own pink tutu.  She bought me little gifts she knew I would enjoy, helped me with holiday tasks and errands and just made life normal for our family.


Even though Hannah was away at school during my surgeries and treatments she was quick to send support by text.  She wore pink on milestone days in my treatment and was with me the day I learned I was cancer free.  Hannah came home as much as she could and even surprised me with a special visit earlier in the year just because.  Her quirkiness and amazing sense of humor always made me laugh.  Yes, laughter really is the best medicine!






Hannah, you are special and have the biggest heart!  Your jokes, smile and dedication offered comfort and relief when I needed it most.  I am so very proud to be your mom.  I love you!

Too far from where you are

After taking a day to let the news of my cancer diagnosis settle, it was time to share the news with my children.  Boy oh boy...that was not easy.  Over the next few posts I will share some information about the role each of my children have played in my health and healing.  Today I start with Amanda.

For those of you who may not know, Amanda and her husband, Theodore, relocated to Italy in May of 2014 and in July of 2014 were preparing for an amazing adventure to Paris.  Coordinating face to face Skype calls can be difficult since they are 7 hours ahead of us.  But this was a call we needed to happen, regardless of the time so Christopher contacted Theodore and let him know we needed to Skype with them both and they waited for our call into the early hours of the morning. 

Amanda assumed we were calling to wish them well on their upcoming trip and even thought we might be telling them we were having a baby (I will pause here for laughter).  Needless to say, that was not the case.  Instead I had to put on a brave face and tell my beautiful daughter that I had breast cancer.  Hard?  ABSOLUTELY!  It tore me up.  All I wanted in that moment was to hug her and let her know it was going to be ok...even though I did not know what the future held.  A couple days after telling Amanda, I heard the some "I Wanna Go Home" by Micheal Buble and the lyrics couldn't have been more appropriate.  Phrases like.."I miss you.  I want to go home. I'm just too far from where you are." ...brought me to tears. 

Over the next few months my relationship with Amanda grew to new levels.  As she and Theo traveled, they would stop at churches, light candles and pray for me.  She would send me pictures of these locations and would even stop at shrines as she randomly stumbled across to pray some more.  I felt this amazing spiritual connection...she, like Christopher, was helping to keep my eyes focused on God.  I always drew strength from these experiences. 

Above that, Amanda was my cheerleader or more like my virtual supporter!  She surrounded me with love and encouragement and made sure I knew I was not alone.  She created my team, Evil Lumps and Woozles, for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure and rocked her pink tutu in Italy on race day.  She left me "Pep for Your Step" video messages on You Tube prior to chemo and would text me or Skype me regularly.  She kept me connected to all the support I was receiving on facebook by sending me screenshots of the pictures and messages on our site.  Even though she was so terribly far away, she made sure I always felt her presence. 

In Amanda's "Pep for Your Step" messages she always closed by telling me she admired the manner in which I carried myself through all of this.  In her messages, she usually shared a scripture, prayer and then gave a word that described me.  Amanda used words like:  BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, and SELFLESS.  It was humbling to hear her use such powerful words to describe me.  Funny because I didn't feel like I was doing anything special.  All I know is that during my illness,  I never wanted my children to worry about me, but I did want to show them to deal with adversity.  And most importantly, I wanted them to know how much they were loved.  I wanted my legacy to live in them.

Amanda, you have been a blessing to me and humbled me with your adoration and support.  Thank you for sharing your faithfulness and for your dedication to keeping my spirits high.   I love you.

Our virtual Christmas

 

Not ready to let go

There are a handful of posts I have wanted to write for quite some time but I just haven't had the strength to do so.  This is one of those.  Here we go...

I have frequently shared that I know God in is control of my life and I marvel at just how he lays out our path and firmly believe there are no coincidences.  It's just all part of His plan. My relationship with my husband, Christopher, is another shining example of that.  We met over 25 years ago through some mutual friends at a church youth group meeting even though we lived in two different parts of Kentucky.  Less then one year later we reconnected when we met at the small Catholic College we both were attending.   We married in 1995 and this year celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples we have had our ups and downs over the years but we somehow always managed to keep our family as a priority and made certain we worshiped together weekly.  Our faith has always be a focus.

Needless to say, everything was tested this past year.  When you profess your marriage vows, do you really think that one of you will be faced with a life threatening illness "early" in your relationship?  I know I didn't and it hurt me so much to look into Christopher's eyes those first few weeks.  I wanted so desperately to be with him but at the same time wanted to push him away because I didn't want to hurt him.

Funny how love works...every time I wanted to run, he was there .  Christopher was a pillar of
strength and unwavering faith from the day of my first biopsy.  He came to almost all of my appointments and helped to keep me grounded in the midst of the storm.  He made me laugh. He let me cry. He held our life together and always stayed positive.

Looking back, there is one moment in particular that made an impression on me and reaffirmed his commitment to me.  In the first few weeks of my diagnosis, I would go to be bed and often cry myself to sleep.  One night, Christopher came in to tuck me in (you see I go to bed much earlier than he does) and I asked him to sit with me.  That's not uncommon but on this night he squatted down beside the bed and stroked my cheek...when I opened my eyes, I heard him say, "I am not ready to let go of you yet."

While I had no idea what the future would bring, I knew more than ever that I needed to fight...I needed to live because I wasn't ready to let go either.

From that moment one, I knew without any doubt that he was fully committed to me. Christopher made certain I remained strong in my faith on this journey and stood by me each and every day.  He joined me for chemo which often meant he had to stand through my entire treatment because at the time the office didn't have extra chairs in the treatment room.   He always made sure I took my medicine and would get up around the clock if needed.  He escorted me to my last round of radiation and planned my cancer free celebration.  Honestly, the list could go on and on!

Christopher always made me feel loved and reminded me that God was bigger than this storm.  In the times I doubted, his faith was strong enough to carry us both.  So to this special man, I simply say. "I love you."

I just wanted to LIVE

Today...July 15..the day of my diagnosis.  So much went through my mind on this day and the days following but it really all came down to this:

 

I wasn't ready to die!  I wanted to live!

Today my devotional from Jesus Calling was perfect and a reflection of the manner is which I tried to live over the past year.  It said:

"Do not worry about tomorrow!  This is not a suggestion but a command.  I divided time into days and nights so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle.  My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time.  When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame.  You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.

As you affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly.  Enjoy my Presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Please join me as I celebrate life today!!!  Don't take things for granted.  Renew your faith. Find the joy around you...it's there, even in the hard times. 

Braver. Smarter. Stronger.

From bad news to good news

In 2002 when my family needed a new primary care physician, I went to the Provider Directory and simply looked for a doctor who was close by and accepting new patients.  I found a name wrote it down on my enrollment paperwork and turned it in.  I really knew nothing about this doctor or his practice. However, it didn't take long for me to realize I had made a good decision.  Through  routine checkups and sick kids visits, Dr. M and I started to build our relationship both professionally and personally.  We discovered we had children of similar ages and even attended the same church.   I trusted Dr. M to oversee the care of my family and he never disappointed.

Now fast forward to the early part of July 2014 when I found a lump in my breast.  I knew something wasn't right and needed to see a doctor.  Two days later I was in Dr. M's office and the journey began.  Starting that moment, Dr. M was the one who navigated the early part of my diagnosis.

He made the referral for my diagnostic mammogram.
He told me the radiologist was concerned after my mammogram.
He scheduled my biopsy and on July 15, 2014 called me and my husband into his office to tell me that I had cancer.

Just thinking about that moment, takes my breathe away...it was so surreal.   I really don't remember much about my time in his office that day.   I do recall hearing the word CANCER but also remember the amount of concern Dr. M showed to Christopher and me.   He had done some research prior to meeting with us, talked to a few colleagues and even referred me to an amazing oncologist. 

Throughout my cancer journey, Dr. M has been a constant presence.  I saw his name copied on test results and often heard my specialists mention his name during visits.  Even though he was not my primary doctor over the past year, I knew he was still heavily involved in my care and always had my back.

As you know, I had my final scans on June 11 and was seeing my oncologist on the 12th for the results...I was somewhat at peace but was getting extremely anxious for the news.    Early in our professional relationship, Dr. M learned one thing about me...if a diagnostic test has been performed and the results are available, I want to know what they are ASAP!  Much to my surprise early on the morning of June 12, I received a text from Dr. M.  It simply stated, "It's going to be a good day for you my friend."  His message revealed what I longed to hear...the scans look good...no more cancer! 

It couldn't have been more perfect, the individual who had to give me the bad news, also was able to give me the good news.

Time and time again over the past twelve months, I have seen that God is continuously at work in my life.  This relationship is no exception.  God puts people in your life to support you on the journey He has planned for you...we just have to trust and see His work unfold. 

Thanks, Dr. M!

 

Christina

 

Braver. Smarter. Stronger.

My Anniversary



Wow!  Believe it or not, I am approaching the 1 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.  I thought now would be a good time to catch up on my blog, as there is so much I want to still share. Stay tuned for reflections of my journey to becoming caner free.

 

Thanks for being part of my story!

 

Christina 

Spring Has Come!

“What day is it?", asked Winnie the Pooh"It's today," squeaked Piglet"My favorite day," said Pooh”

Today is our favorite day too!  It is Spring!  Christina has been looking forward to Spring all along throughout her diagnosis and treatment.  Spring means new life and new beginnings!  "Bring on Spring!" has been one of her battle cries during these last 9 months.

Today Christina receives her FINAL radiation treatment and her last scheduled treatment of any kind.  We won't have a scan to know her status until this summer, but we believe that as of today she will be "Cancer Free" and that they will confirm that with her scan in the summer.   We will surely have a party then, but now, we will celebrate because it's Spring!

Make no mistake, that is the biggest thing to happen to our family this week, but it's not the only major thing.  Spring has sprung and that means new life all around us.  This week, our family adopted a puppy.  He is another living reminder that spring has come.  How could we name him anything but Winnie?  Winnie the CockaPooh!

We just brought him home and we are still learning about each other, but we love him and he brings a new joy to our household.

I am sure Christina will have some thoughts to share soon and I will encourage her to blog about them.  It has been too long since her last post.

We thank you for your support during these last months and thank God for you!  While the battle is nearly won for Christina, we plan to continue to fight.  There are others who are still in this battle against these Evil Lumps and we will continue to post and pray and ask for your support and prayers for all those ladies still battling and waiting for their spring.  God bless you all!

Survivor Project Update: Susan G. Komen Photo shoot

As you probably already know, I was eager to welcome in 2015! This is the year I plan to celebrate finishing my treatments and proclaiming I am cancer free! While I still have a way to go, I look forward to every celebration that comes my way. 

I learned a lot in 2014. First of all I never expected to be diagnosed with cancer. It was hard to come to terms with but quickly I became aware of the amazing support systems all around me, including many who had previously journeyed down this same path. My eyes were opened and while I knew I needed to focus on my own health and healing, in the back of my mind I knew I would one day pay it forward...sharing my story and being there for others who are faced with the same situation. I would not be where I am today without the kindness, love, support and prayers of each of you! 

So needless to say, I was excited about an opportunity that presented itself to me in late 2014. I was given the opportunity to participate in an upcoming Susan G Komen Survivor calendar. At first I thought I wasn't "worthy" but then I embraced the fact that I am a SURVIVOR TO BE and jumped at the chance.

As part of this process, I will represent the month of July, which couldn't been more appropriate. July is the month of my cancer diagnosis and the month in 2015 I hope to officially be declared free of cancer. 

Thanks to the generosity of family and friends I quickly met the fundraising goal for this Survivor Project and had my photo shoot in February.  I have never done anything like this before and had no idea what to expect.  I was quite surprised at how much fun it was!  I had my make-up done and even had eyelashes applied, which I thought was a treat because most of mine were gone.  I decided not to wear my turban or wig...they say bald is beautiful so I hope they are right!  The photographer was amazing and throughout this experience I felt so confident and beautiful.  It was quite a boost.  

I also learned that the ladies participating in the calendar will be part of a Survivor fashion show in April.  Walking the runway...another first for me!  I will share more details once available in case anyone would like to attend this event.  

In closing I will leave you with some images from the photo shoot and a quote from A.A. Milne:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That's why we call it THE PRESENT.      

          

That makes 8!

That makes 8!  It's time to celebrate!  That's right, chemo officially ended yesterday.  I can't believe we have closed this chapter of my journey.   

I am so thankful for all the support I have received over the last 5 months during my treatments:

• My family has been amazing...there to help with whatever I needed!  I don't think I could ever thank them enough!  I love you.
• Many of you took time out of your busy days to cook for us.  We truly enjoyed each of these home cooked meals.  You are the best!
• The cards and emails of encouragement have been wonderful.  Always seeming to come just at the time I need them most.

Now for the next step...6 weeks of radiation therapy. But for now we plan to celebrate this milestone; offering praise and thanksgiving for making it this far.

Looking for Honey

Our story begins as Pooh awakens with a rumbly in his tummy.  "I need Honey," says Pooh.  Pooh gets out of bed and heads to the kitchen but there is no honey to be found.  He heads to his hiding spots...none under the bed or in the closets.  Desperate to find a smakeral of something tasty, Pooh headed to the Evil Lumps and Woozles Blog hoping to find a clue only to find there have been no updates since November!

OK, Pooh...looks like it's time for the Narrator to take over this story:

I'M BACK!!!!  And I apologize for the long lapse in updates.  So let me take a moment ot give you a quick summary of the past few months.

November was an eventful month...it was the month I lost my hair and finally came to terms with my new appearance with helpful words of encouragement from friends and family.  It was easy to look at me and see that I was "sick".  I just didn't feel like myself and had to accept that was me and hair didn't really matter. I have a fabulous assortment of hats and turbans and even have a sassy wig with reddish highlights to complete my look on a daily basis.  What do you think?

In December I finished the Red Devil portion of my chemo.  I was so excited because this was supposed to be the worst part.  I had manged it well other than feeling tired.  Then came the first dose of the second form of Chemo...Taxol.  Taxol is supposed to be more mild and tolerated much better than the red devil.  Well, that's not exactly been the case for me.  Taxol has caused extreme bone pain in my legs for 5-7 days post treatment making me walk like an old lady and feel very uncomfortable. In addition, the taxol has started some neuropathy in my hands and feet.  Neuropathy is a numbness and tingling in your hands and feet due to some nerve damage.  Even though I was uncomfortable, I kept pushing through knowing chemo would be over soon.

Then came January 2015.  I won't lie...I was glad to say good bye to 2014.  2015 is a new year and it's going to be a good one.  This is the year I plan to celebrate...I will say good bye to chemo and be deemed cancer free! And I plan to have lots of parties for any reason I can think of!

Also in January Amanda came home from Italy!  Words can't describe how amazing it is to have my whole family under one roof!!  Since I was scheduled to have my last chemo on January 27, I put her in charge of my Good Bye Chemo Party.  Oh how I have waited for this celebration....then we hit a small bump in the road.

I went for treatment yesterday and was put on hold for a week due to the neuropathy caused by the taxol.  My medical team is taking some measures to improve these symptoms before my next treatment.  I have 2 treatments left and am now slightly uncertain as to how these next few weeks will play out.  I feel like Pooh but instead of looking for honey, I am looking for a treatment timeline.  But I have to remind myself that I am in not control here and the bigger picture of my long term health is much more important that finishing chemo on January 27.

So, that's where we are...staying positive, celebrating the simple joys in life and looking forward to good health and much happiness in 2015.